Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
