why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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