guys are not supposed to queef...right?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
