Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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