i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
