Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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