Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
