this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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