U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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