so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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