I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
