how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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