So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
is that a dick in a sweater?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
