Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
