Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
