As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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