He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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