when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
