I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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