I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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