So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
