soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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