My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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