sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
