Sorry, I don't speak sober.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
