Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
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