i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
