my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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