I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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