Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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