cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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