Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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