We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You made out with two different species that night
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
