Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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