Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
