So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
of course. lets lasso hookers.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
