I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
