I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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