The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
