Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
