We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
