is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
