Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
