I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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