I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
