so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Drunk is not a location!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
