K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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