Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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