i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
