I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
