If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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