His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
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just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!