Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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