Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
