I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.